WW4G Writer Battle 1 – Most Useless Sidekick

Over the coming weeks and months, each of the writers will be battling it out over a given gaming-related topic. They will each provide their nominations and reasons for them.

The first gaming topic will be Most Useless Sidekick

Let Battle Commence!

Chris Hyde

Nomination: Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4)

AG

On the face of it, there’s a lot to like about Ashley Graham. Frontal bounce to one side, she’s also well spoken and polite, and not to mention her stuck-out ears remind me of the chimps from Super Monkey Ball. So far, so good. However then you realise that – being the President’s daughter – she’s completely and utterly useless in a tight spot and does almost nothing to support Leon in his quest to overthrow the Ganados and stop the plague that’s been blighting them.

Oh yeah – and then she opens her mouth.

Screeches of “LEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!” akin to scraping the twisted claws of a strangled cat down a blackboard will forever stay in the memory of anyone who has played arguably Capcom’s greatest ever zombie romp. It’s enough to make you not want to rescue her from the clutches of the fleeing enemy, just to so your bleeding ears can recover. But then you realise that she’s gonna keep on screaming until you go and get her anyway, like the world’s most excruciating broken record. Either that or the enemy escapes with her and you have to repeat the entire scene again, so the lesser of two evils is normally to cut your losses and rescue the wailing siren, and figure out a way to keep her from ever speaking again.

Luckily Capcom come to your rescue at frequent points throughout the game where you can literally chuck her in a bin and go on without her – and never have the bloodcurdling screams of a mindless European mob sounded so calming without her by your side. But then there’s always the nagging feeling at the back of your mind that this bliss will end and you’ll need to be reunited before the end of the area. And to be blunt if at any point in a game you resent going and getting your sidekick out of a bin because you fear for the moments in the future that you’ll spend together, than it’s clear something has gone very, very wrong.

Kevin Grant

Nomination: Zeke Dunbar (Infamous)

Transfering_Power_2

Zeke annoyed me from the very moment he popped up on my screen. I don’t know why but there was just something about him that made me want to electrocute him at every possible opportunity, but as he was a major character in the game (and I wasn’t actually able to) I kept on going through the missions listening to him bang on about how he wanted Cole to use his new-found powers to help get himself some new lady friends. So the world has gone to shit, and everyone you know and love may be dead in a ditch and all Zeke wants is to know when he can next get his end away, way to go asshole.

After a while, Zeke kind of became white noise and I started ignoring everything he said until *spoiler alert people* he went and got himself captured. As if Cole doesn’t have enough to do, like SAVE THE WORLD, now he has to go save you, so I can listen to you keep talking in my ear for the next couple hours. Once you finally get to him and save his worthless life, what does he do? He turns his back on you and goes off with the guy who tried to blow up the city, just for his own selfish need for power. If I was Cole I would have beaten Zeke to death with his own stupid sunglasses.

By his return in Infamous 2, my hatred for Zeke had died down a bit, maybe as there were more characters so he wasn’t on my screen every 5 minutes, but if I had the chance to kill him in some form or another I would have taken it in a heartbeat.

Rebecca Foran

Nomination: Scree (Primal)

primal 2

Some of you may have spent time in the world of Primal, a PS2 title that rivaled Lara Croft in terms of an arse-kicking female lead role, but was set in a parallel universe filled with demons and magic – which was right up my alley! That arse kicking female lead role was filled by Jen, who gets attacked and slips into a coma, only to find her projected self woken up by a walking talking gargoyle named Scree. Scree is her companion, guide and, apparently, “aid” in Oblivion, the alternate dimension where Jen must travel to (whilst leaving her body in a hospital bed)  in order to seek revenge on the guys who knocked her into the coma.

The reason I say “aid” is because Scree was never really that helpful. Yes, he would fill in a lot of the back story and give information on the history of Oblivion, he would guide Jen to the right spot, there are even points where taking control of Scree is vital in order to complete a puzzle and progress. All good. BUT (and this is a very big but), Scree would not fight. Whatsoever. Which actually makes him completely useless in a world where demons are constantly popping up and attacking in large numbers.

I would often glare at him coldly after a long arduous battle which took 3 attempts to survive, honestly wondering “why are you even HERE?”. At times I even got so resentful of him, I would talk as if he could hear me, mocking him for his stupid STONE BODY and that he probably wouldn’t even get hurt if he just gave fighting a shot. In the end, I drew the conclusion that he was simply tagging along for his own private kicks, watching me get mullered over and over again, and that inside he was laughing away. Obviously the game ends up making him out to be an alright kind of guy and that without him, you’d never have made it to the end – but I know the truth.

OUTCOME

Well after much deliberation, it could really only be Ashley Graham that came out on top. Her frustrating combo of complete uselessness and excruciating vocals beat off any potential challengers to her title of “Most Useless Sidekick”

So that means that the first victory in the WW4G Writer Battles goes to Chris, and boy is he smug about it. It’s up to Rebecca and Kevin to come out all guns blazing in the next battle to wipe that smile off of his face.

Do you agree with the outcome? Do you have your own nominations? Do you have any battles you’d like to be done in future? lets us know in the comments section.

CURRENT BATTLE LEADERBOARD

Chris 1

Rebecca 0

Kevin 0

You know that weird guy that still likes Nintendo? Yeah, that's me. I've been gaming since the ZX Spectrum and still think it's awesome after nearly 25 years.

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2 comments on “WW4G Writer Battle 1 – Most Useless Sidekick
  1. Ryan says:

    Any of the wingmen in all of the Ace Combat games ever made. Completely and utterly useless. Give them orders and you still have to do the job yourself anyway.

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